Professor Snape and Professor Smith
by Lazarus Risen
Summary: The new DADA teacher is INSANE! Will Snape survive?
1. Default Chapter

Professor Snape and Professor Smith 

A tale of Two Professors

          Professor Snape walked into the Great Hall. He saw the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. The man had brown hair that was put in a ponytail, oval glasses, and sported a ridiculous grin. "Great," thought Professor Snape. "Another Lockhart,"

          Snape slumped into his seat at the High Table. The teacher changed from his seat to an empty one next to Snape.

          "Hi," said the man with a stupid wide smile on his face. "My name's Professor Smith Smith."

          "That's nice," said Snape absentmindedly, though it wasn't nice at all. What kind of name was Smith Smith?

          "Guess what?" asked Professor Smith, taking out a burrito from his amethyst bag that hung on the rung of the chair. 

          "What?" said Snape, chomping on a pancake.

          "My name's Professor Smith," he said idiotically.

          "I know," said Snape "You just told me!"

          "You know what? "

          "What?"

          "My name's Professor Smith!"

          "Yes…you said that already…twice."

          "Hey…you know what?"

          "YES I KNOW YOUR NAME IS PROFESSOR SMITH!" shouted Snape.

          "No…could you pass the salt?" asked Professor Smith.

          "Oh…yes," said Snape, embarrassed. He passed Smith the salt.

          "Thanks, pal!" said Smith warmly, and hugged Snape.

          "GET OFF ME YOU SLIMEBALL!" shouted Snape, and pushed Smith off of him, who was practically suffocating Snape to death.

          A couple of minutes passed and Smith said "Guess what?"

          "What?" asked Snape, who had forgotten what Smith kept saying.

          "My name's Professor Smith!" said Smith, beaming at him like a lunatic.

          Snape banged his head on the table and muttered to himself "WHY, God…WHY?"

          "What was that?" asked Smith. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that!" Suddenly, Professor Smith took out some applesauce from his womanly bag and a spoon. He started eating it in slow motion.

          Snape couldn't take it anymore and left the table, mumbling under his breath about getting a private room to eat his meals

  


          Snape was waiting for the fifth year Gryffindors and Slytherins to enter the classroom. He had considered doing something fun during this lesson, but decided against it. Why should the Gryffindors have any fun? Snape often thought of fun ideas for things to do in his classes, like rip out the pages of the Potions book in the seventh year, but never went through with them. If the school were full of Slytherins he would do it, but no. Not now, anyway.

          Suddenly, without warning, the Slytherins and Gryffindors burst into the classroom and took their usual seats.

          "Now," said Snape. "I hope you all have completed your Water Unicorn assignments…"

Then, out of the blue, Professor Smith came leaping into the classroom, singing "I'm a Little Teapot."

          "SMITH!" bellowed Snape. "GET OUT OF HERE AT ONCE!"

          Professor Smith didn't listen and kept right on singing and started knocking over cauldrons and students. People started screaming and running into one corner in terror, as if a tornado were coming.

          "Children, there is nothing to be afraid of…" Snape was trying to be heard, but it wasn't working, no one could hear him over the screams.

          Finally, Snape couldn't take it anymore and shoved Professor Smith out the door. When Smith was outside the door, he started crying, and Snape slammed the door in his face. 

          The Slytherins cheered and Snape bowed. Then he ushered them all back into their seats.

          About fifteen minutes later, Smith came bursting into the classroom again, this time singing "Just a Spoonful of Sugar," from Mary Poppins. 

          This time, Snape was REALLY angry and tried to catch Smith and beat him to a pulp, but he couldn't catch up with Smith, who couldn't remember the rest of the words to "Just a Spoonful of Sugar" and started to sing "Germs!" by Weird Al Yankovich. Then he forgot the words to that and started to sing "Oops…I Did It Again" by Britney Spears.  

          When Smith finally left, Snape was very, _very_ tired, and dismissed the students early. The Gryffindors cheered and stampeded out the door and the Slytherins shuffled out, upset all the excitement had ended.

          Snape sunk into his chair and groaned. How was he going to shut up Smith for good? He decided to conjure up a Quieting Potion.

          When he was done, he put it in a glass goblet with a golden snake on it and held it out with his arm, cackling with glee. Wisps of silvery smoke were bubbling out of the glass. Professor Snape smirked and headed to Professor Smith's classroom.

          He opened the door slightly, but saw Smith was teaching a class. The potion would have to wait. Meanwhile, he would watch Smith's class. It looked like it was just starting.

          "Hi," squealed Professor Smith. "My name's Professor Smith,"

          Snape snorted.

          "Now," said Professor Smith suddenly in a normal voice. "Dumbledore has told me you have not dealt with the Mummy's Curse yet, so I think we'll…" 

          Snape's mouth was open during the entire lesson. Smith was an outstanding teacher…he even took a few points from Potter occasionally… maybe Smith wasn't as dumb as Snape thought!

          When the lesson was over, Smith called out to his students "Now, don't forget, I expect that essay to be ON THE NOTEBOOK PAPER I SUPPLIED! NO PARCHMENT! Have a nice day!" The students trundled out of the classroom and headed to other lessons. Smith came out of the classroom and saw a gaping Snape

"Ah, Snape! My best friend!" said Smith, suddenly stupid again. "I'm _your_ best friend, right?"

"Uh, no…" said Snape. "But I have a drink for you! Want to try?" Snape shoved the concoction in Smith's face.

          "Oh, dreamland's no!" shouted Smith. "That's a Quieting Potion…I don't want to be quiet! I WANT TO BE LOUD AND ROWDY!" And Smith went skipping down the hall, laughing insanely.

          Snape defiantly knew now that Smith was not as stupid as he seemed. The question was…why was Smith only stupid around _him_?

  



	2. Part 2

Snape sat in his private meals room he had requested from Dumbledore and read an essay written by Draco Malfoy, a Slytherin fifth year, one of his favorite students.

Severus Snape   
An essay by Slytherin Student, Draco Malfoy (Age 15)

Severus Snape is a teacher at the best school of magic in the world, Hogwarts. At this school there are four separate student houses. Snape is the headmaster of the best of these houses, Slytherin! He is by far the smartest of the teachers at Hogwarts since he teaches the very complex subject of Potions. (He taught me how to make a great belch-bubble potion! I tried it out on some stupid Hufflepuffs. It worked.)

Snape wears long fashionable black robes and has long black hair. He has pale skin and his nose is kinda big... (But he's okay because he doesn't give stupid assignments like this.) 

Snape is my favorite teacher. He told me he really wants the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position but Dumb Dumbledore hasn't given it to him yet. (DUMB Dumbledore. I made that up! All the Slytherin's are saying it now) I guess he wants the defense job because he already knows everything about potions and is tired of teaching it. That and he can blast things in the Defense job. Well, that's all I have to say about the best teacher at Hogwarts. (I'll add this last sentence so I can make the word quota) Okay, The End. 

          Snape didn't think it was very good, or even remotely good, but gave it an A+ anyway.

          Snape strode down the corridors and glared at a couple of first year Ravenclaw girls, who scurried away scared. Ah, the joy of scaring children. He saw Potter, Weasly, and Granger, and gave all of them detention for no reason and took 15 points from Gryffindor. Harry looked mad, and so did Ron, but Hermione just looked calm. Snape raised an eyebrow in surprise but didn't say anything. He guessed she was so used to him she couldn't process his messages through her miniscule brain anymore.

          Snape gave them their detention slips: A little stroll through the Forbidden Forest, gathering apples for the Halloween feast. Snape went into his office and relaxed, feeling as though he were on top of the world.

          But then Smith came barreling into the office, beaming like a mad man.

(only Smith doesn't look like this guy)

          Smith said like a crazy lunatic "I have a proposition for you!"

          "What?" asked Snape, ready for the worst.

          "I think we should both join the Mexican Dancing Club being held in the Leaky Cauldron!" Smith bursted out.

          "ARE YOU CRAZY?" shouted Snape.

          "Yes!" grinned Professor Smith.

          "NO NO A MILLION TIMES NO!" yelled Snape, and shoved Smith out of his office in anger.

          "Wait!" screeched Smith, before the door was smashed in his face.

          Flame boiled inside Snape's stomach. He could feel the acid in his abdomen sloshing around in rage. He had to get rid of Smith…but how?

          "Tomorrow will come, we shall see," Snape said to no one "Smith will never again see you and me! MWA HA HA!" 

          The next day, Snape, instead of going to his private mealtime room, went into the Great Hall and actually sat down next to Smith. Smith appeared surprised at first, but recovered quickly with a " Morning to ya, Snapey!" and gulfed down his breakfast, stuffing his bacon all into his mouth at once and didn't swallow, so he looked like a bullfrog with _really_ big cheeks when he turned to Snape.

          Snape, instead of banging his head on the table, or worse, on his breakfast, simply copied Smith and faced him with wide cheeks too. This was going to ruin his reputation, but for once, Snape didn't care. Smith looked at him curiously for a second, then gulped down his whole breakfast in one swallow. Snape followed suit.

          Smith looked very surprised and took out his applesauce, and handed another one to Snape. Snape took a plastic spoon, and so did Smith. Smith scooped up some applesauce, ate it. When Smith was down he used the spoon to flatten down his bottom lip, and doing it over and over again, in a continuous motion. Snape was disgusted but showed no feeling of this and imitated Smith. Smith looked startled and started saying "My name's Professor Smith!" and Snape replied with "My name's Professor Snape!" Smith looked defeated, and then started singing: 

F is for friends who do stuff together

U is for you and me

N is for anywhere and anytime at all

Down here at Hogwartsie!

And Snape replied with:

F is for frolic through all the flowers

U is for ukulele 

N is for nose-picking, bubble popping and sand licking

Here with my best buddy!

          Smith looked sort of sad, so Snape started to apologize, when You-Know-Who came bursting in, singing:

F is for fire raging through the whole town

U is for uranium…bombs

N is for no survivors

When you…

          But You-Know-Who didn't finish because a sudden beeping sound occurred. You-Know-Who looked terrified and ran out of the Great Hall. Smith and Snape looked at each other, shrugged, and continued with their competition. 

            Smith looked sad still, so Snape gave him an apologetic look, and walked out of the Great Hall, feeling like a criminal. 

  


          What had he done? Snape felt very miserable that he hurt Smith's feelings. Snape supposed the whole thing was just an act to get Snape annoyed, and now Smith had to pay. Snape sighed. Poor Smith Smith. Snape decided to head on over to Professor Smith's office and tell him he was sorry and that Snape thought Smith was a great teacher.

  


          Snape rapped on Smith's door nervously. Smith grunted, and Snape came in. Snape was completely surprised when he saw Smith was very angry.

          "You know what the letters in YOUR name stand for?" asked Smith furiously.

S is for stupid

N is for neurotic

A is for asinine

P is for pee-pee brain

E is for egomaniac!

          Snape was now really angry. And after all this, he had come down to apologize! Smith was a jerk. So Snape made up his own poem and recited it to Smith:

S is for stupid

M is for moron

I is for idiot

T is for tattletale

H is for hovering monkey

        Smith looked ready to kill, but just pointed to the door and screamed "OUT!" Snape was happy to obey and stamped out the door in rage. 

            Who did Smith think he was, for Pete's sake? Snape clomped to his private quarters and slammed the door.

          The same thing went on for the rest of the year. Smith and Snape both loathed each other. The avoided one another as much as possible and dodged out of the other's way if they happened to bump into each other in the corridors.

THE END.

Oh yeah…I took Malfoy's assignment from Slytherin Society…sorry! L


End file.
